I lied. I decided to put together a proposal for a conference workshop this year. A fun proposal. Now whether or not it will be accepted is anyone’s guess, but I felt inspired. Pre-writing is a favorite past-time and I know it’s helped me considerably over the years. That said – let’s move on to today’s work.
Today I want to talk about the lies we tell ourselves and others to avoid not only the truth, but the work. It’s never easy to admit we’re lying to ourselves, even when it’s pointed out to us by someone who truly gives a shit. I routinely lie to myself about a lot of things. I lie about how healthy or unhealthy I’m eating. I have lied to myself (and others) about the amount of activity I get. I have lied about how I’m feeling. I’ve lied to my doctor before. All because I am ashamed that I haven’t been doing the work I should be doing. I lie a lot about my health and the things I’m doing (or not doing) to stay healthy. Which is probably what landed me in the hospital last year to begin with. I lied and insisted my symptoms were probably normal. I was just getting older. But the truth showed up and bit me right in the ass. Lesson learned, I hope. I say that because I’ve been considering lying again. This time about my smoking. After nine years I started smoking again and I’m not proud of it. I know I can quit again, but I keep telling myself, “After this cigarette…”
Yeah. I’m an addict. ::sigh:: But truthfully, this was a choice I made. A conscious choice. And just like I made a choice to start up again, I can make the choice to quit again. Yet I keep lying to myself and wondering if the next health crisis will also be due to the lies I tell myself. More self-sabotage.
I want to berate myself for doing this. To say, “I’m a dumb ass.” I want to self-sabotage so badly that I can literally talk myself into it. How sad is that? But these are the things we do to justify our poor decisions. To avoid the work required.
So how can we be honest with ourselves without self-sabotaging? There is a way. We can say, “Self – we need to get more exercise. Let’s start slow and do three ten minute sessions a week. You’ll feel better.” Instead of something like, “Self – you’re a fat fucking tub of goo and you’ll never exercise, you lazy fuck.” THAT is the difference between being honest and self-sabotaging or not. But lying to yourself – lying sets us up for failure and almost always leads down the road of self-sabotage.
That said – I have decided to stop lying to myself about my health, and try to deal with the truth of how poorly I treat my body in a constructive and helpful way. Because let’s face it – if I’m not feeling well or I’m sick, I’m not able to effectively pursue my Great Work. And to be ready for the full Sorath work later this year – I need to be in better physical condition than I am now.
For those of you watching at home – see how it all comes together?
I got up this morning and spent most of the morning answering email that required immediate attention. Then I spent the rest of the morning editing D&B #1 with some tips from a friend. Around 1, I moved to the current Thirteen Covens novella I’m working on. I went through the entire thing to clean it up from the last dictation session, then added some new words. Not as many as I would have liked, but enough. Editing always adds words. With rewriting and cleanup on both manuscripts, I managed almost 1100 words. It was short 400 words of what I wanted to do, but I’ll take it. Plus I have the benefit of knowing I can move forward on both with new words on Thursday. Tomorrow is an office day and tomorrow night is chore night. Despite the fact that I have niece pick up and a dental appointment on Thursday, I have no other pressing obligations.
I skipped yoga — again. But I did manage twenty five minutes of chakra activation and balancing that resulted in a tingling sensation that rose up through my body and out my head and caused a sneezing fit as it moved out of me. It always amazes me how symptomatic my body gets when something is needed and is working. I think I’ve been fighting a mild cold and sinus infection for the past week. It hasn’t been enough to kick my ass, but it has been annoying.
Daily Tarot Card: I pulled the Six of Swords today, suggesting I’m on the right path. Moving away from confusion and that which doesn’t serve me toward something that does. This is definitely a good omen.
- Word Count: 1,094
- Chakra Balancing: 25 minutes
- Sun Salutations: 0
- Vitamins: Yes
- Tarot Card: Yes