Switching my meditation from evening to morning hasn’t been difficult at all. As a matter-of-fact, I still find myself doing my nightly before-bed meditations, too. It’s just so habitual. Anyway, this morning I took forty minutes and concentrated on dealing with writing group stuff and writing. Frank stopped by this afternoon to deal with some email for me because the Daemonolatry email was getting out of hand. Yesterday he cleaned up one of the other emails and the YouTube channel. Thank goodness for Frank. Also this afternoon my husband and I went for a walk. We do that on weekends. Back in 2015-2016, we walked every weekend, went hiking. Then health issues struck us both and now that we’re both recovered we’re back to it. I always joke that we were both being punished for eating healthier and exercising. That’s kind of what it felt like. Hell, in September of 2015 – we, along with a friend, climbed a fourteener for fucks-sake AND we did a 5K that year, too. I may not be fast — but I’ve got stamina. I may not also be nearly as svelte as I was in my youth, but I’ve come to accept that I’m not getting any younger, and my body shape is its shape. As long as I exercise and eat right, I should be fine. Hell, my grandmother was 40 pounds overweight most of her life and she lived to be 99. No one wants to live forever.
Results – got some writing in, got my writing group duties done for the day (what I could do anyway), and now I can sleep well (but I might still do some more writing). Tomorrow I have a Takeover Event for my writer’s group to host and I’m heading to a friend’s in the afternoon for a wine tasting! I’m looking forward to it. Should be a lot of fun.
Some additional thoughts – I’m not sure what to think of the current configuration of the model this week. I’m going to give it another week and see how I feel about it. I’ve also been thinking about getting my office cleaned up. That could be part of my productivity lag. The sheer boxed in feeling you get from disorganization. All of this despite the planners and calendars, which suggests it’s environmental. I can thrive in chaos for only so long before I start getting weird about it. The truth is I’m usually wicked organized, but I fell off the wagon in summer of 2016, and I feel like I’m just now regaining my footing.
Finally, I was realizing today as Frank read me emails while I did some other things that I need to quit rebelling against my obvious calling. It’s so easy to have everything in one area of your life, but still not be satisfied because you don’t have everything in this other area. It’s not even that I’m ungrateful because I’m very grateful for what I have. (Grateful to who? Myself and my years of work, the Daemonic Divine, and the people around me who have been supportive all these years.) The truth is I’ve had incredible success in both areas. It’s just that in one area the success seems to be growing and sustainable, and the other it’s like a roller coaster while I’m expecting it to match other. They’re different balls of wax and I need to remember this. I should count my blessings and stop feeling bad that one area isn’t as successful as the other at the moment. The tides could turn on that at any moment. Right now I need to look at the big picture. It’s time to remember that there are people who work their whole lives never getting to where I’ve gotten, and there are others still who aspire to be where I am. I have been given a gift and I need to go with it. Submit to it and let it take me where it needs to take me.
I honestly don’t know why I’m resisting. I don’t think it’s fear of failure or success because I have seen both failure and success over the years. It could be boredom, but if that’s the case it’s because I’m allowing others to set my trajectory, when in actuality I have control of that. I can choose which direction to go here. I’m not limited by opinions on my social media or in my inbox. I suppose this is what happens when you allow others’ wants and desires to trump your own. Perhaps it’s time for me to be selfish and to stop catering to strangers. It goes back to that whole intrepid writing thing I discussed earlier this year. I think I failed the goal of taking a year to write fearlessly. So perhaps that should be added to my 2018 goal list.
THE WRITER’S FIRST PRIORITY IS TO WRITE THE NEXT BOOK —- WITHOUT FEAR, APOLOGY, OR OBLIGATION TO ANYONE ELSE.
What about the fans, Steph? Shouldn’t they get a voice? Sure, everyone is entitled to their own ideas and opinions, and trust me – a lot of readers share those thoughts with me in my inbox. Sometimes the idea sparks inspiration. But far too often I’m not nearly as enthusiastic about their idea as they are. That said, I’ve already decided that I’m writing the books in that arena that *I* want to write. That may not necessarily be what readers want, but so be it. You can’t expect good books out of a writer who isn’t passionate about the topic of said books. The reason people flocked to my books and loved them, to begin with, is because I was writing the books I wished I’d had access to all those years ago. Books I was passionate about. Not the books my readers wished they had now.
Oh hell. I could go on and on about this but it’s time to do some other things. Love and hugs to all of you reading this! See you tomorrow.