Is it Wrong?
Some real reviews of books I never left on said books because I refuse to give any book less than three stars. If I can’t give it at least three stars and find something good to say, I simply don’t review it. Books and authors have been omitted, but let’s face it – we’ve ALL read these books.
“When I look at this book’s cover I feel like I’ve taken a handful of quaaludes. It’s more psychedelic than the myriad of tie-dye shirts at a Phish concert.”
“The prose is so dry I could use it to soak up the flood waters in the aftermath of a hurricane.” Or alternatively “I’d weep for the genre, but this book dried out my tear ducts.”
“This entire story was so disjointed that I, in my most lucid state, could barely follow. The author may have been trying to communicate something, but if he was, I wasn’t stoned enough to get it. What was he smoking when he wrote this? I have to know.” Or alternatively “This book should be prefaced with a four-word warning: Only read while stoned.”
“This novel read like an eighteenth-century treatise on the lifespan of tortoises. I don’t remember what happened. As my eyes slid over the words I found myself daydreaming of my day job in accountancy.”
“If the main character had driven herself into a tree at the beginning of the book, it would have been a much better book.” Or alternatively “The main character was such a whining PITA that I cheered at the end when she died. Thank goodness the author had the good sense to kill her off so there would never be a sequel.”
“This author has written this book before, and I didn’t like it the first time!”
“Wading through this book was like getting a tarot reading and having the death card, the tower, and the fool show up right next to one another.” Or alternatively, “This book left me feeling more hopeless and anxious than Trump’s presidency.”
Now you know why I don’t review anything that’s less than three stars. I can’t imagine being that honest. Besides – good books are subjective. A few of these books were bestsellers, classics, or have thousands of fans. Opinions are like assholes…