Submerging into the Demiurge
For those who have been following me here, on my newsletter, or on my Patreon, you know that one of the books I’m currently working on is a book about Leviathan and the Demiurge. Sometimes books take longer for me to write just because I need to put in the actual magickal work before I start putting things to paper. I do that so that every ritual included, and all of my information has been tested multiple times for manifestation, and to make sure I fully understand my subject matter on the level required before one can write about such things. Nothing is worse, IMHO, than a weekend armchair magician writing books about theory and trying to pass it off as practical and efficient.
My personal work in this area has led me to a place of renewal and “starting over” so to speak with regard to my writing life. Not starting over with a new book or a new pen name, but rather starting over with my psychology to eradicate the self-sabotaging habits and thinking patterns I’ve manifested in the past 6 years that have begun holding me back from the JOY of creation. Once I’m at the keyboard and in my zone – I’m fine. I am there and I am loving the process. But lately I find myself balking at the work. I’ve been having to drag myself kicking and screaming to the keyboard. All the while, over my shoulder, the expectations of others, and my own inner critic, loom. That’s not a good place to be creatively because that constant internal struggle is exhausting.
Naturally, I’ve approached my patron and several of my other go-to Daemons for help on this and they have placed two opportunities in my path. I have taken advantage of both and feel a sense of relief and renewal because I know deep down – that both of these things are going to help me considerably. It’s time for me to stop focusing on productivity and start focusing on what my spiritual creative side wants to manifest. That doesn’t mean the publishing schedule is changing – it’s not. The books planned for publication are still in the works because in the past three years I purged all the projects my heart was no longer into (this whole rebirth has been in process for a few years now). I’m just no longer focusing on beating myself up when I don’t write 5000 words a day, or rushing to meet an unrealistic deadline when my creative self needs respite. Ultimately – I think doing what I’m doing is going to put me back into the right place, the right frame of mind, to write for the real reason I do it — because I love it. The natural side effect of this will be increased productivity without the annoying internal struggles.
The good news is this slow restructuring of my writing life has gotten me out of my recent rut, and I’m already off to a good start for my NaNoWriMo rebellion. 3,100 words were written yesterday. Small goals. My real goal for each day this month is to write or edit something every day (and give it at least an hour of my time).