March 2, 2017
So early this morning (8:30 is early for me), I went into the temple first thing (after feeding the cats) and did my invocation to Bathin. Then I pulled a tarot card asking for direction. I pulled The Hierophant, which tells me I’m going in the right direction. The Hierophant, in its spiritual aspect, suggests the need for regular practice or contemplation on the matter at hand. And a great deal of introspection.
I am wondering if creating an amulet to remind me of my purpose in doing this month’s work is a good idea. Just to keep me focused and on track. Not that I can’t be without it. I can, But I often have need of a creative outlet for my magick. Sometimes that takes the form of writing, other times it takes the form of tablets or talismans of some type. On rare occassion it will take the form of abstract art. So I’m starting to feel inspired, which is good. This suggests to me that the sigil launch from yesterday is working.
I meditated on the card and sigil of Bathin for awhile and then closed the ritual and grabbed my first cup of coffee. It was over coffee that I started thinking about needing to get out and walk this month, especially if I plan to do any mountain hiking this summer. Then I began musing how much I hated exercise – had always hated physical activity. When I was fourteen I started jogging every day. Two weeks in, I came down with what the doctors thought was severe bronchial asthma and I had to stop running. I went into coughing fits and couldn’t keep anything down for almost a year. Then – as quickly as it hit me – it vanished and I haven’t had the issue since. About nine years ago I had quit smoking and started eating right and exercising, but I ended up with a mass the size of a football in my gut. It’s no wonder I can’t stay on track with excercise and healthy habits. I’ve had nothing but negative reinforcement there. Everytime I try to do something, my body rebels with health problems. The only time I didn’t have health issues was when I wasn’t actively trying to manage my health. That negative reinforcement is a form of self-sabotage. Because now I tell myself — anytime I try to do anything to better my health, my body rebels and fights me with serious illnesses. I have come to associate healthy habits with illness. So I use this as an excuse to say screw it. Might as well smoke when I want, eat what I want, and only exercise if I feel like it.
What a shitty thing to do to oneself, right? So this self-sabotaging beast inside me goes so much deeper than my career. I’m not worried though. I’m a magician and I have a magickal backhoe. ::beep, beep::
Oh boy. I will likely spend the rest of the day thinking about this. Tomorrow I do my Ashtaroth Invocation and Ascension work. Perhaps she’ll have some additional input here. The problem is so big that I’m not sure where to start. But perhaps getting my shit together with my schedule and working toward taking a walk at least three times a week is a good start.
I also think I’ll be pulling a tarot card for each day here on out just to see what insight that will bring.
Oh – in other news, I did say yes to my first career thing today. I am now doing Novelrama March 24-27 — 25K in four days. That’s 6,250 words a day. That on top of the p/t day job (which I might take those days off), teaching two classes that weekend, regular readings, and so on – could cause a great deal of stress. I have given my husband fair warning. Now let’s see how I try to self-sabotage it. I’m already trying to sabotage the new book by putting off formatting the paperback. What is it they say? The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. I definitely have one. UGH