Okay – so I’m not an expert in human behavior or love and sex, but I am happily married (together for 13 years and married 11), which says a lot these days. So I’m going to give the single folks out there some advice on love and marriage. With the rise of “Abstinence Only” education and the “Prize” and exaltation of virginity – I really think young women and men need some practical advice on this.
So here you go – 10 Tips/Thoughts on Love, Sex, and Finding a Mate:
1. Virginity is over-rated. I know this from experience as I was once a virgin. Sure, don’t sleep with everything that moves and definitely practice SAFE sex with a person you LOVE (using condoms + birth control pills are a good combination), but staying virginal until marriage is a REALLY BAD idea. Why? Because firstly, nothing is worse than two virgins trying to please each other (not to mention male virginity is not as prized as a woman’s and most men won’t be virgins anyway) and secondly – if your mate is bad in bed, you’re stuck with him/her or you’ll end up divorced over it.
2. Married sex is no better than unmarried sex. A hard core Christian once told my husband (before we got married) that once he and I were married our sex would be better. We decided to test that theory. Nope – it was just as good as it was before we got married as it was after. Imagine that.
3. Living with your intended mate before you get married is a REALLY GOOD idea. And yes – this also means I encourage pre-marital sex. The reason for all of this? Better to find out you can’t live with someone or they’re bad in bed BEFORE you spend all that money on a wedding and subsequently have to spend all that money on a divorce. Just sayin’… it’s practical, common-sense advice folks!
4. Pick and choose your battles wisely. Some battles just aren’t worth it. The underlying point here being that you can’t change anyone and don’t think just because they love you, they’ll change. It’s never going to happen. If they do something that drives you absolutely crazy, you’ve told them about it and they refuse to change it, and you can’t just let it go and accept it — break off the relationship and move on. Really.
5. Once a cheater always a cheater. Men and women who can’t be faithful should NEVER get married to begin with. It’s not fair to the other person. Why? Because once again – people are who they are and usually they won’t change. I can’t begin to tell you how many people I’ve known who cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse and who’ve continued the pattern with every relationship after that.
6. Like the above – if someone is abusive or has an addiction – they won’t change. Some people seem addicted to being abused and walk straight into abusive relationship after abusive relationship. If this describes you – stop all relationships immediately and seek help for your low self-esteem. Then, once you know that you can do better and that you deserve better – THEN go back to seeking a relationship.
7. There’s no such thing as the perfect man/woman and if you’re looking for the relationship that will always have that “brand new” relationship feeling and smell — never going to happen. It doesn’t exist. Likewise, romance will usually run dry at some point (especially when it comes to men). When they’re wooing you it’s all flowers and constant affection but that often goes away once they have the girl/guy they want. There may be exceptions to this rule and if you have one – congratulations. Count your blessings.
8. Love will find you when you’re least expecting it or when you’ve stopped looking. I don’t know why this is, but it seems to be a general rule of thumb. Basically – quit trying so hard and just be yourself.
9. Be picky and have standards. Yes – it will take you longer to find a mate and you may have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince(princess), but it will be worth it.
10. Really the key to finding a mate (as my husband puts it) is to find a person whose crap you’ll put up with and who will put up with your crap. I know that’s unromantic, but it’s true.
Oh sure – the above aren’t the beginning and end all to relationships. As a matter of fact there are exceptions to all of this and you could very well be one. If you are an exception – good for you! Just realize that your situation is an exception and be thankful for that.